No…It is definitely NOT a New Cologne

It has been a week so far and The Smell Under the House has gotten worse.  I now suspect that there is a dead body under there as well.  I know that it is not Hubert’s since he is presently fixing the leak.  Pardon me . . . leaks . . . as in more than one.

He came at 7:30 this morning, armed with everything except a HazMat suit.  That would’ve been the first thing I would have packed, but Hubert, being a handyman, thinks only in hunting metaphors and tool icons.    

First thing he did when he arrived was ask me for a plastic cup.  It is a good thing I heard the word ‘plastic’ and brought him a used coffee cup from Starbucks.  He proceeded to dip the water out of the toilet and pour it into my bathtub.  I was horrified until I realized that he could’ve just as easily poured it out in the sink by the toothbrushes. 

He then proceeded to take my toilet out of the bathroom and put it in the hallway.

Of course, seeing the toilet in the hallway made me have to pee urgently. 

When I voiced my worry, Hubert told me that he had a 5 gallon bucket in his truck.  

My first thought was, ‘Just how big does he think my bladder is?’  My next thought was that the only way I was going to be able to use it in privacy was to drag the bucket into the bamboo thicket outside  . . . Then I thought, ‘Why even bother with the bucket?’  Thankfully my brain woke up and kicked into gear before I could implement my plan – it was now 8 am – and I realized that I needed to go to a local deli, buy a coffee, and hang around their bathroom until Hubert gave the all-clear.

Before I left, I got a picture of Hubert at work. 

In this picture, Hubert is taking out the bathroom floor.  Of course, he will have to replace it.  The last time he had to replace the floor, he intended to put in some left over tiles from his last job.  That last job might have been a prison since the tiles were rubbery, flesh colored, and stain resistant to body fluids such as blood and poo.  I had nixed that idea with a panic that bordered on tears.  So he let me go to Lowe’s to choose my own replacement tiles.

This time, he is giving me the same courtesy. 

Hopefully, Hubert will be finished sometime today. 

I am grateful to have Hubert even though he had just told my husband that he ruined the carpet by the back door with “mud”.  I am grateful, because if the world was Hubert-less, we’d be under the house doing it ourselves.

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12 Responses to No…It is definitely NOT a New Cologne

  1. Snuffygump aka Sarah says:

    With such a subject one is hard pressed to not venture off into unsavory ruminations of past bathroom disasters or lack of a bathroom disasters. However, I am sure that there have been scientists who have dedicated their lifes work on the study of why it is that, when the bladder senses that there is no facility close at hand or why it senses when you are actually coming closer to a relief station that all of a sudden your muscles want to give out. It’s for that very reason that I haven’t hauled off and said to my husband,”Let’s gut the bathroom and remodel it right now!” Having only one such room to our names, it would cost a fortune to renovate, for we would have to rent a motel room…very close. I know that the neighbors would not tolerate for long my banging on their door, pleaing for mercy. Which I would have to do every five minutes because that’s another part of that psychological study that the longer you are without your pernonal bathroom (PBR) the weaker your bladder muscles become. Of course, there is always Depends, but they do have a volumn capacity. You cannot carry on unbridled with those. Just try not to drink too much coffee, again…. the effect

  2. Thea Phipps says:

    Sarah, I think that it is the same phenomena that presents non-stop food ads when one is on a strict diet. It is 3:30 and I am still here at the deli. Poor Hubert. He has re-piped and re-floored our bathroom in one day (almost done, I am told via cell phone), and has yet to bolt the toilet back in place.
    Personally, I don’t think they’ve done enough product development on Depends. They should come with overflow receptacles and a pocket tank. Then you would be able to remodel your bathroom at minimal cost.

  3. Mallory says:

    I like Hubert. Does Hubert read your blogs?

    So maybe now your toilet won’t make the funny noise Maddy likes so much!

    Or wait…was it really Maddy under your house making that noise?

  4. Thea Phipps says:

    No. The toilet will still make Maddy’s favorite sound. However, Hubert never said that he found Maddy under the foundation, but she could have been hiding behind a wall stud.
    Oh, well… Same toilet…
    But different floor! It looks good.
    And I’m pretty sure that Hubert doesn’t read my blogs… or that my blog will come up under ‘Hubert’ if you google it.
    Yeah, Hubert is a great guy. :)

  5. Snuffygump aka Sarah says:

    They have those…they’re called catheters.

  6. Mallory says:

    Poor Maddy has been blamed for the smell and the toilet noise. I think she was hiding behind your curtains.

    Who was the Hubert that commented on the blog before this? Was it the real Hubert? haha or the fake one ;)?

  7. Thea Phipps says:

    Sarah, :D – catheter – too funny!
    Actually, though, I had thought of catheters once I had closed my computer down and was on my way back home, but I somehow couldn’t see you and Val threading each other (or yourselves). Maybe that’s what your neighbor would be handy for. Is she a nurse, by any chance?
    No… I was more or less envisioning the result if a catheter, a portable oxygen tank, and a Depends mated.

  8. Thea Phipps says:

    Mallory, THAT Hubert was my brother in NY.
    Someday, when you come over, I will play you the prank messages my OTHER brother leaves on our answering machine.
    No one knows this, but I am heroically well-adjusted in spite of my genetics…

  9. Snuffygump aka Sarah says:

    I don’t know if advancement has made it THAT far…yet. However, an interesting phenomenom up here that appears to have developed out of the casino culture: There are a lot of widows here, having all lost their husbands on the sacred stack of the old copper smelter, who now while away their time and husband’s pension at the local casinos, located in all the filling stations. These little balding, blue haired ladies sit for hours hooked up to their Texas Hold’um slot machines and their portable oxygen tanks. They seem to be all one unit. The really amazing sight to behold is that they also have a cigarette attached in the mix. Why do we not have more explosions in Anaconda? Someone came up with a very inovative product there! Or maybe it’s just the berillium factor? My theory is that explains a lot about what goes on up here in our little toxic waste dump corner of the world. Maybe raw sewage isn’t such a bad thing by comparison? By the way, we both know WAY too much about Depends.

  10. thea says:

    And I’ve learned quite alot about raw sewage this week as well.

  11. JB says:

    Your comments are as funny as the psot. I am so sorry for you AND I am amazed that you find humor here. It way beats having a temper tantrum. Thanks for showing me a different way. XD

  12. thea says:

    What a sweet thing to write, JB! Thank you!

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