Here I am, a day late and a blog short.
Between caring for my very own Henry VIII and vetting my second galley to my second book, I’ve let a whole day pass by. I woke up this morning convinced that it was Tuesday. . . which isn’t surprising since I spent all day yesterday convinced it was Monday. I’m not sure when I began losing the days.
Perhaps I am merely getting old. Forty-seven isn’t that old, but I’ve always been a leader.
So, to take old-person inventory, I’ve prepared a checklist for a self-examination. This one is merely a questionnaire – so no one will have to measure their moles, search for lumps, or go to the bathroom in a sieve. As a favor, I will enclose the list so that you can spend a few moments considering your own mortality.
HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE GETTING OLD
1. Do you have to get out of an easy-chair in stages?
2. Do you have a favorite tweezer?
3. Do you find yourself packing toilet paper in your purse?
4. Are your toes starting to curl sideways?
5. Does hospital food make you go to the bathroom immediately?
6. Do you see double after clipping your toenails?
7. CAN you clip your toenails?
8. Have you been arrested at least once for driving at night?
9. Do you have gout?
10. And the final old-age giveaway: Does your dog wear pajamas?
If you have answered ‘yes’ to five of these questions: It’s okay. You don’t have to cruise the Depends aisle in Walmart for another ten years.
If you have answered ‘yes’ to seven of these questions: It is now permissible to call your children names and roll your stockings to your knees.
If you have answered ‘yes’ to all ten questions: You need to make a will.
I hope this checklist has been helpful. If you suspect that you are getting old, or if you know someone who you think is getting old, please refer to this list.
And no cheating, please.
Here’s to aging like Dutch cheese!