I have heard it said that one either LOVES cruising, or one HATES it. I am in the later group. And there are many reasons for that. One reason being that I’m fairly certain that Randy and I did it wrong.
How can one do a cruise the wrong way? Isn’t it merely a matter of boarding a boat and eating your way to the tropics and back again? For many, yes. But not for us. I will now pass on my hard earned wisdom on how NOT to take a cruise.
1. Do NOT take enough Dramamine to cause hearing loss. I did. I was so afraid of nonstop horking that I overlapped my doses. Better to be brain damaged than suicidal, I mistakenly thought. Not so. Take my word for it.
2. Do NOT go in December. The water is bipolar. It alternates from serene to psychotic and back again. One minute you’re eating on the sunny deck, the next minute you’re lashed to your bunks hoping that that sound you keep hearing is not the steward locking everyone in. Actually, I can’t think of any month wherein it would be GOOD to go. In Summer, the seas should be calm, but on the downside, since Cozumel is over 100 degrees in the winter, it has to be at least 250 degrees in the Summer. There is only so much naked, white, profusely sweating strangers one can take before poking out one’s own eyes.
3. Do NOT accept a free cruise. These cruises are reserved for the old boats. These ships are so old, they come with WWII artillery. The food is also old. By our last day at sea, we were all sucking on hardtack and eating rats. Okay . . . That’s a slight exaggeration. Let’s just say that I will never eat “smoked salmon” again.
4. Do NOT show up for any shipboard activities. On THE LOVE BOAT it was all about shuffleboard and talking to the Captain. On the Carnival Ecstasy, it was all about the hairy chest contest. Can you say ‘man boobs’? Besides, Randy saw our Captain and he wasn’t LOVE BOAT caliber. Randy swore he’d seen the man on CNN in his former life as a deposed dictator from Uganda. After seeing him myself, it wasn’t as unbelievable as it sounds. Randy tried to get me to go up to him and ask. I didn’t. I’m not that stupid.
Yes, we definitely did it all wrong. This is what we should have done: We should have worn pajamas to breakfast like some did. We should have slept in the hot tub intermingled with strangers. We should have watched drunk people competing in karaoke contests.
Here is a picture of Randy, wishing he could get off the boat.
The night before disembarking, you are assigned a number. Or a letter. Or something. I don’t remember what. But you couldn’t get off the boat until they called it. I don’t know why, but I think Randy and I were the absolute last people to be called.
Shore was so close, yet so far. It was the longest 3 hours of my life if you don’t count my root canals.
Don’t get me wrong. It was an experience that I’m glad to have had. I loved Cozumel. I got to meet friends. (Don’t you know, we’re everywhere.) I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise. But . . . I’ll have to say, once we DID disembark we understood the words of the late Martin Luther King . . .
‘Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we’re free at last!’
Do you have any of your own vacation wishes you want to share? If you could go ANYWHERE in the world, where would you go? What would you do? Or maybe you’ve already been. Where did you go and what did you do?
Remember, to leave a comment click on the ‘Comments’ tag at the end of this blog, and don’t forget to check out the latest Photoblog on the right. Just put your cursor over the picture to read the caption, or click on one if you want to leave your comment.
And now, to watch a funny video that has nothing to do with this blog – click on the link below and watch with the sound up: http://www.thebigshow.com/video_day/videoNew.php?day=2011-06-16