GOURMET GERDE – Oatmeal

Meet my mother.

She is a good cook. NO ONE can make better pork chops. But for years I didn’t know that.

My mother is German, and like all good Germans, she is industrious. No one is more industrious than a German. It’s less of a good trait and more of a behavioral disorder. And being industrious, she was a very busy woman while I was growing up. I still remember the time she reroofed our house by herself. My two brothers and I (all under the age of eight) sat on the stoop with nothing but assorted pebbles and a tin of Fritos to keep us occupied.

However, she HATED cooking. I think, as far as she was concerned, cooking a meal ranked somewhere between de-tic-ing the dog and bleaching rust stains out of the toilet. So she usually turned the stove’s burners up to high. Flame-thrower high. It was her way of getting that whole daily cooking thing over with so she could get back to more important things. Things like spreading asphalt on the driveway with an old rake while wearing a dress and gumboots.

She was the only person I knew who could make scrambled eggs the consistency of a hard-shell taco. Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside. And like a blob of cold snot, there was always that surprise pocket of raw egg hidden under all that crunchy goodness. Apparently, I am impervious to Salmonella.

I will now share with you her unofficial recipe for oatmeal.

1. Buy the oatmeal.

2. Boil it in a pot.

Serving tip: Cooked oatmeal lasts for days. And days. And days. If your children pretend to eat it, but dump it back in the pot when you aren’t looking, you can still make sure no food is wasted. Once the chunk of oatmeal becomes as hard as a brick, sharpen your knife on a steel rasp, slice the brick into patties, and fry it up until it is no longer gray.

Bon Appetit!

Do you have any of your own cooking stories you want to share?  It could even be a favorite recipe. Which reminds me, I will add a legitimate recipe to the blog the next time I do another GOURMET GERDE. (Gerde, by the way, is one of my mother’s middle names.)

Remember to leave a comment click on the ‘Comments’ tag at the end of this blog, and don’t forget to check out the latest Photoblog on the right.  Just put your cursor over the picture to read the caption, or click on one if you want to leave your comment.

Have fun!

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8 Responses to GOURMET GERDE – Oatmeal

  1. Snuffygump says:

    The only item of food your mother ever fed me was what I always thought was her specialty. My first encounter left me wondering if I hadn’t encountered the original primevel soup. It moved, yet there wasn’t any known meat within it’s ingredients. After pondering over what possibly all it contained, I asked her, “What is it?” “I call it Dog Vomit!”, said in her matter of fact accent. Actually, I didn’t dig right in, the rest of my memory on this first meal is blank. However, I do recall that is all she ever served when I was at your house for a meal.
    With this blog you have also explained my husbands behaviour of industriousness. Being the half German, half Lituanian that he is, I really didn’t know where it came from.
    Maybe I should send Val’s recipe for Kelbasa and Beans to your mom to help broaden her culinary reservoir? Or maybe it’s to late?

  2. Thea Phipps says:

    HAHAHAHAHA! Ah… Yes. You have given me the idea for the next GOURMET GERDE.

    Send ME the recipe for Kelbasa and Beans. I will post it on the next GOURMET GERDE. I wanted to post your quiche recipe (the absolute BEST) but I can’t find it. :( I have it somewhere safe, but SO safe, I can’t find it.

  3. KARINA GRIMM says:

    HA,HA,HA, I CAN RELATE TO YOUR MOM, SOUNDS SO MUCH LIKE MYSELF. I ALSO HATE TO COOK, BUT I USED TO LOVE TO CLEAN MY HOUSE. I THOUGHT I WAS A MONSTER AND COULD DO ANYTHING , NOTHING WAS TO HARD,TO HIGH , I HAD A LOT OF SPEED DOING ALL MY HOUSE WORK. GREETINGS TO DOROTHEA. WITH LOVE, KARINA

  4. Thea says:

    I have some German in me as well. I used to be the same but I had a little American tempering from my dad. . . So I just burned out faster. . .

  5. Tina says:

    oooooooooooooo i just love this it was very amusing to read………i have never ate your moms food and im pretty sure i never will LOL but she showed me her coffee trick of putting a packet of cocoa mix in it LOL you know that stuff is leathel will keep you up ALL NIGHT lol ………so i believe you can compare her driving to her cooking FAST and FURIOUS

  6. Thea says:

    Yes. VERY insightful comment about her driving.
    Love it!

  7. Neta says:

    Thea, I enjoyed this so much. Read it aloud to Nolan and Jen. They are still snickering.

    Norma was also a notorious cook. She loved to cook. The only thing she loved more than cooking was eating! Once she made some fudge. The directions said to boil to the hard ball stage. She had no idea what that was. She cooked…..and cooked….and cooked it. I can still see her down on her knees trying to pull that fudge out of the pan while Chloe held the pan upside down! They finally threw the pan away! I even have a pic of that somewhere!

    Keep the stories coming. I enjoy them so much. I saw this a couple days ago, but saved it till I could give it my full attention.

  8. Thea says:

    Thank you! I am so glad you guys enjoyed it. I LOVED your story about Norma. :)

    I remember when I was 9 Norma gave me my first taste of avocado. They were unheard of in Arkansas back then, but a cafeteria-style restaurant in the mall put little chunks in their salad. I remember her fishing through her salad for about 3 minutes looking for a sliver so she could share it with me. I’ve been hooked on avocados ever since.

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