PUT A LITTLE GARLIC ON THAT CARDBOARD

Randy and I started a new diet. Even though my backside looks like two VW’s trying to pass each other when I walk, this diet wasn’t to lose weight. It was to feel better. Not only are we old enough to get spam mail from funeral homes, we have spent the first half of our life absorbing toxic substances. And no, I do not mean drugs or tobacco, but sodas, pollution, and various deep fried McFoods. Not to mention ill-prescribed antibiotics that have stripped our insides of everything except latent tomato seeds and the wads of gum we’d swallowed in grade school. Added to that is the fact that my husband was born allergic to everything. EVERYTHING. His first word wasn’t “Mama,” it was “itch.”  In fact, our health became so bad, we saw the grim reaper every time we ate a pizza.

Then a friend happened on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, which is a medical diet formulated for people who are victims of intestinal diseases. I know. Intestines. . . a special topic for the dinner table, right? Don’t worry, I won’t go into details. I will not tell you about how John Wayne’s colon was the size of the Oak Mountain Tunnel. I will not tell you how it was so impacted with . . . shall we say, “debris” . . . that the coroner found his wife’s lost earring somewhere between the ileocecal valve and the first U-bend. I will not post pictures. But I will say this, there are NO healthy guts out there. I don’t care if you were raised eating yogurt made out of the milk expressed from blind Parisian nuns. By the time we pass the half century mark, our intestines are far from perfect. So far from perfect, our colons make balloon animals every time we eat bran. I don’t know about you, but I’m too old to make poodles without breaking into an unbecoming sweat.

The Specific Carbohydrate Diet is supposed to heal all that. It is supposed to kill all the bad bacteria in the gut, help the lovely bacteria to flourish, and generally cure cancer, establish peace in the universe, and allow you to wear non-elastic pants. Well, we went on the diet, and surprise of surprises, Randy’s allergies disappeared. This will be the first Fall that he’s had skin and a brain.

That is obviously a good thing, but in a way, it is also a bad thing. It is good in that we are able to actually, well, be alive. And it is a bad thing in that now I will be on this blasted diet until I die. No sugar – unless it’s honey or fruit. No starches. That means no potatoes, corn, or grains. And no okra and eggplant. That part was okay. I never ate enough of either to miss it. If I never saw another eggplant again, I don’t think I would even be aware of that fact.

No bread. Well, we can have bread, but it has to be made from almond flour, or coconut flour. Coconut flour is natural cement. In fact, you don’t even have to add water. It clumps together in rock hard clods when it’s stored. And when it enters your mouth it sucks every bit of moisture from your saliva glands, flesh, and kidneys. And when you swallow it, have a glass of water handy so you don’t choke on the dust coming out of your nose. I’ve had to drop my Tupperware container of coconut flour on the concrete floor of our garage just to break it up for sifting.

Almond flour is okay. It bakes nicely, but it pretty much comes out the same way it went in.

You can buy bread, but it is expensive and sold in only one place within a 300 mile radius. I took out a loan and bought a loaf. It is made from almond flour, coconut flour, and psyllium husks. Psyllium is in Metamucil. I won’t swear to it, but I think psyllium is also used in steel wool. And the taste? Have you ever been to a sale barn? Just stick your head in a feed sack and you will get an idea.

We had some of the bread last night. I have abrasions on my gums. Who knows . . . maybe by tonight we will finally find the coroner’s other earring. And I now know why that bread is so expensive. Because you can only eat one loaf a year. Randy is already bleeding.

Experts say that you can get off this diet after two years, totally healed, and ready to eat gluten, Snickers, anything you want. But Randy and I have our doubts. We don’t see ourselves getting off it any time soon.

Two weeks ago we accidentally ate starch. (Apparently starch is on roasted nuts even if it isn’t listed on the ingredients.) And it didn’t take us long to wish we were dead. Mood swings, arthritis, insomnia, dislocated knees, rashes, paranoia, anxiety, weight gain, bloating, food cravings, gas that could rival the last trumpet . . . you name it, we had it. The only thing we didn’t have was leprosy and full blown visual hallucinations. Unless you count that time I saw Elvis and Jackie Onassis in my pocket.

Even though, as I’d stated at the outset, this diet isn’t for weight loss, it is an added perk. Some people who start this diet do not want to lose weight. By the time they are diagnosed with an intestinal disease, they are already concentration camp weight. But once it fixes their digestion, they gain. But for those of us who are round and squishy, the weight actually comes off fairly quickly. Randy and I have been on this diet for a little over two months and already we are finding bones in our bodies. Just yesterday I discovered a hip bone that I thought had long since dissolved in 1999.

And now, my eighty-year-old mom is on this diet with us. My mom is German. She lived through WWII. She has eaten sticks, boiled nettle, grub worms, and animals you cannot find in the meat section in Wal-Mart, even in China, and has come out unscathed. But she swears this diet is the best thing that has happened to her digestion. Well, yeah . . .

Do you have any diet horror stories you want to share? A diet success story? Or just want to tell us your favorite food?

Remember, to leave a comment click on the ‘Comments’ tag at the end of this blog, and don’t forget to check out the latest Photoblog on the right.  Just put your cursor over the picture to read the caption, or click on one if you want to leave your comment.

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2 Responses to PUT A LITTLE GARLIC ON THAT CARDBOARD

  1. Judith says:

    Thoroughly enjoy your writing Thea! You and your exquisite sometimes quite colorful sense of humor are delightful!!! Quite the treasure dear friend!

  2. Thea says:

    I absolutely LOVE your comment, Judith! Thank you!!

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